Humor & Fun: emails
Due to the recession in 2009 the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people to
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run my little crazy friend, run!
Well, what can I say???
Someone sent it to me, and dammit, I'm NOT going alone !!?
Subject: 9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.
Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around
3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you
are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back
to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's
okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A
woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of
saying Fu#k you!
9. Don't worry about it, I got
it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Subject: Just try it
Calculate (13837) x (Your Age) x (73) = ????????
Just try it.
Subject: Beauty of Math
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Subject: Beauty of Math!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
Now, take a look at this... 101%
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
What Equals 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.
How about ACHIEVING 101%?
What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
Subject: Spelling - This is brilliant!
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY - When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN - When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER - When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION - When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES - When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH - When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
GAUTENG - When you rearrange the letters: GET A GUN
THE MORSE CODE - When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES - When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY - When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS - When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS - When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT - When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES - When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO - When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW - When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Subject: Questions you just can't answer
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human
being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he
sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so
why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
And my FAVOURITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a
stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have"the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies
Forbidden"...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North
America that is wilderness: 38%
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died
in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last
signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the
letter "A"? A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food
that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on
the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase..."Goodnight, sleep
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. (Mead is a honey beer) and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey
month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got
unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts and settle down." It's where we get the
phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
wrod as a wlohe, Amzanig huh?
Subject: True or
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more
efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose
approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold
weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily
functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population
7. Forty people are sent to the
hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have
spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in
11. The average housefly lives for one
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in
the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their
heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising
milk, a mixture of white paint and a
little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel
on the same airplane, just in
case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the
umbilical cords cut from women who
give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it
would be green.
They are all true.... Now go back and think about #16
Subject: Did you know?
For those who thought they knew everything
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise (Since Venus is normally associated with women,
what does this tell you!)
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro
Pearls melt in VINEGAR!
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but, not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to
avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT".
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to
right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous,
horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels (a,e,i,o,u) in order: "abstemious" and
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate
bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
And the best for last..... Did you know that Turtles can breathe through their butts.
and the bees
A great way to explain the birds & the
bees to our techie little kids of today! - that is, if they don’t already know it all already!!
A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together
in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where
your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too
late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little ‘Pop-Up’ appeared that said...
You have Male.
Subject: Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1.) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't
looking good either.
2.) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
3.) Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4.) I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5.) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable
application of high explosives.
6.) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7.) Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
8.) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you
need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9.) I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10.) My Reality Check bounced.
11.) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
12.) I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
13.) You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
14.) Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Subject: Dilbert's real-life manager quotes
A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit
quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate
1.) As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )
2.) 'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.'
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3.) 'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4.) 'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.'
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5.) 'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.'
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
6.) 'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go
act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M
7.) Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8.) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she
died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He
then asked if we
could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9.) 'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the